OMW 2 L.A.


impulse

I’m doing something that I have only dreamed of doing. I actually packed most of my shit and left. I can’t fucking believe it. I wanted something to clear my mind and I got it. I was feeling so cloudy and suddenly, my demons came and attacked me all at once. I got scared and paranoid. But, then I realized my life’s patterns and authentic ways. I had to move… more like run. Even when sober, I had the feeling of being late, or being stuck. No one believed me when I said I was leaving and that hurts. At least this way, I can’t be hurt anymore…because I fucking did it.

My mother and father are going mad insane. My brother has called me numerous and strangely, my sister, is the only one supporting me this spontaneous decision. That surprised me. I’m already about three hours out of Ohio and the feeling is indescribable. I was going to accept the possibility of wanting to turn back. Other people’s feelings are seeping into my soul out of nowhere; “WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF ME!!??” “THEY ARE GOING TO BE SO UPSET WITH ME?!” “WHAT ABOUT MY JOB?!!” But deep down, I’m thinking fuck how they are feeling right now! It’s about time I did something for me!

I called my brother before going through the first turnpike in Ohio. I thought that maybe he, would give me the encouragement that I needed. My older brother is nothing but positivity and made up of nothing but endless possibilities. From one artist to another, I just knew he was going to be on my side. Sike!! It was the total opposite. He begged me to come back home. As I was driving up to the booth, I felt “Tricia” was no longer in the car. There was no self-doubt hanging in the air nor confusion. The atmosphere was crystal clear.

He was yelling in my ear, saying any and everything to make me turn around when, without thought, “I” told him to “Hold on” and I immediately grabbed the ticket out of the machine, and proceeded through the turn pike. My eyes bulged out my head from my sudden acts of what I’ve done. I started to drive with this big ass smile on my face. The same feelings from before washed over me. I guess “Tricia” returned from where ever she came from. Nevertheless, despite all the reoccurring rush of doubt and guilt, I kept driving. I thought that maybe if I get far enough, I would have no choice but to keep going.

Everyone was telling me to wait. EVERYONE!! And I would get this crackly sensation running through my body. My heart felt betrayed and defeated. I had to do something… I had too. Now I am here, almost to Sandusky. I’ve made the plan to only travel during the day because my sister’s back lights are out on the car. But that’ll be just fine. I am on my way. The real ones will support and love me no matter what I have chosen for myself. Those people will understand without question. I expect my parents to freak out, but for those that know who I am, should know. But wait… I don’t even know who I am; which is ever more reasons as to why I must do this.

#love #selfawareness #bloggin #journey #writing #art #reading #life #selflove #writerslife #journalism #LA #california #hollywood

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