UPDATE!! 513 DAYS in “Lost” ANGELES : Ready To Go Home
Updated: Apr 10
I wish time would slow the fuck down---I'm going to be twenty-six years old next month! The old folks weren't lying when they said your twenties go faster than a blink of an eye. Well, I'm tryna squint for a minute because I am not ready to touch that cold, dirty thirty just yet. Unfortunately, the universe doesn't wait for no one. You either got it, or you don't. I told GOD/ Universe many times, I will not come back next lifetime. My soul better chill the fuck out if it thinks I want to reincarnate in this world again. I don't have any desire to be rich or to be well-known. I mean… I do, but not that major to the point to want to come back. With my work as a writer, I want to be able to see it in the public's eye and for people to know it's me, but, I'm not trying to become a Beyoncé or anything. She can keep that! Ugh, if I do end up coming back to this planet, I just want GOD to promise me that I'll stay Black, so, I wouldn't have to pay or pretend to be. Can you give me that Universe? I don't think that's too much to ask.
Anyway! I hope you guys are having a happy new year so far. I can't speak for myself because I am still the most indecisive being on this planet earth. I promise ya'll, I make my self sick. It’s like, "Damn girl, make a choice! You said you're not afraid to make mistakes right now, so make them! All this teeter-tottering and shit is getting you nowhere!" That's how I talk to myself. Sometimes it works while other times, it makes me feel worse. I'm afraid to move elsewhere right now because I have this voice in the back of my mind saying I will miss out on a chance to be greater for not staying in L.A. longer. How do you know when it's time to go? What's the sign when things aren't working out for you anymore? You see, I've been talking to my higher self lately, and she's a BAD BITCH! This woman is so stern and sexy, I wonder what she looks like. Oh yeah, me; underneath all these insecurities and fears from my surroundings. My higher self is trying to get me to buss outta this fluffy cocoon that no longer serves me; it's the number one thing that is holding me back. Even though I don't like to talk about my feelings too much, this part right here is very hard for me to admit. When people look at me, they see a big, beautiful, bubbly girl full of aspirations and kindness, spreading her love and inspirations where ever she goes! Partially true, but this girl would also like a GD hug sometimes! This girl would like to be allowed to have a bad day without someone being in her face all the time asking, "Are you okay? You don't seem like yourself?" You're right, I'm not! I'm having a bad day. Deep down, I wish I was traveling the world, visiting the countries on my hit list, taking it all in, by myself. Then, eventually, I'll meet my sweet, tall, handsome husband, whom I do not have to keep explaining my soul too, and we'll rent a beautiful spacious two story loft together, away from the states, and focus on our careers and raising our first baby girl. That's literally what I am thinking about daily. Yes, I am a dreaming goddess manifesting this shit.
I want so much in life. I want to be in my own space while living out here in L.A. I do not understand why the city makes it so hard for people like me to do so. "Lost" Angeles reminds me of a dark, but vibrant twisted matrix. It's so easy to dream here and pretend to be someone else. Some of been here for many years and still have yet to break free. A lot of folks are addicted to L.A.'s nightlife and aesthetics. Her personality is meant to draw you in and forget about where you came from. Suddenly, before you know it, you'll be talking differently, moving and dressing a certain way, eating shit you would never put into your mouth and/or putting hats on top of your head that you knew needed a second opinion; all this to fit in with those that haven't left yet. One day, you're going to have to ask yourself, where are you going? I pray you find the answer and not depend on others to provide it for you. Everyone in "Lost" Angeles has seen what happens when you become swallowed by the system. Reality no longer exists to these people. They've lost touch with themselves and what is important. The horrifying pain and memories of reality are too much for these lost souls to bare. I hear some of them weep as I walk, tucked into abandoned storefronts on the streets. No more lotus flowers to consume to keep dreaming. All they can remember now is the lingering pain of failure and defeat. Nevertheless, they'll eventually get their flowers again, so they can keep dreaming and not have to deal with present realities.
I say all that to say this, I don't want to become like the lost souls above due to the fact that I am too stubborn to go back home. My mind is in a tug-of-war between starting over again or staying here in L.A. Unlike many others, I have yet to attach myself to this city. The weather is cool, but I love watching the leaves change in the Spring and listening to the dead silence of snow falling on a quiet street. Though the palm trees are unlike something I've never seen! I miss the smell of fresh pine and morning dew on the nearby bushes and maple trees. I loved taking long walks on the muddy trails in our wooded creeks in back home. Ohio had an unlimited amount of trees and grass! I had no idea I would miss greenery so much. Point is, I would feel like I've given up on my dream because I have chosen to go home. I don't want to answer any questions about who I've seen or what I've done; not if it's going to make me feel unaccomplished. Hell, I've been through some rough shit in the bellies of L.A.; many situations I thought I have forgotten. But, I know rough patches come with the territory of taking the road less taken.
Other than that, I am still working to find my own way. I have all these ideas popping up in my head that'll be perfect for L.A. I won't mention them just yet, but, just know whenever I do choose to announce it, you're going to say, "Ah, yes. I can see that." I ran the idea by a trusted friend of mine and she sent me over the edge with more ideas than before. Listen ya'll, having another creative in your corner that's optimistic and dreamy as you, is just as important as having someone realistic and logical. You need that balance in life! I promise, sometimes you don't want to hear what the logical person has to say at the moment, about the hardships and stress. Even though they're right, sometimes, you need to hear how your dreams will be great, and that you're the greatest to do it. I appreciate my friends that know how to talk to me. You are appreciated.
On the contrary, sadly writing my book may need to sit on the back burner for now. At this moment, creating more revenue for myself is at the top of my concern. I don't want to keep punching a clock forever. Starting my own business has always been a dream. I've always imagined my first start-up would be in publishing. I'm not saying that that's not possible, but, lately I've been getting the feeling that I may be limiting myself. I can own other businesses that spike my interest in this world. For instance, I've always thought about being a cool, down to earth, upbeat shop owner of some kind. Not sure what, but I know I was going to be great at it, popular too. You see, I value respect first, then success and wealth last. Happiness is also the epitome of living in my book. As long as my life is not mediocre, then I'm good. I want to be the woman who you can come to for advice, a bag, or a place to showcase their work. I love helping people, it's fulfilling, especially if I have it. Man, you just don't know.
The purpose distilled inside of me will not let me leave Los Angeles. This place is full of dreams and it may suck to say it, but, it's the survival of the fittest. Having morals, values and sleep doesn't count out here. I know that maybe a dagger to the heart for some (it hurts me sometimes too) but, it's the cold heart truth. While climbing up the latter in your chosen career field, it's going to take you places, so, Los Angeles may not be your last stop. Hell, your work may take you elsewhere, and that's fucking awesome. But just know, that it matters that L.A. is where you started. Just like New York, you make it there, you can make it anywhere. Both cities have qualities to teach you life lessons and important jewels of knowledge about yourself and the industries to play the game right. However, if you FEEL that this is not for you, understand that it's okay and you can take a BREAK and try again. However, remember that you're still in the game. Never give up on your dream guys. It'll be the biggest regret of your life. But remember, learn what's best for you and what's not! You can be a soldier out in the world, persevering, being patient in any given are, but it may not be where you're suppose to be. Learn it.
While visiting my friend yesterday in the barbershop, an interesting guy said hello to me while in her chair. We began bonding in deep conversation. I told him that I wanted to travel the world and eventually settle in London (the world of writing is phenomenal over there). He was quite interested and told me that he traveled to all sorts of places. I was jelly of course, even though I shouldn't have been. Eventually, all three of us were talking about life and how people in the city are so different from other places we knew. My friend and I were saying that we attract the most creative, kind and authentic people. The guy sitting in the chair called them "weirdos." Quiet as kept, he was part of that group as well vibing with us. He was tempted to talk to me, a weirdo.
Long story short, he turned thirty-three that day and I wanted to know was there a piece of advice he could give a person in their twenties. He made a good point that it's all about perspective and what might work for one may not work for the other. I agreed and he finally told me, "think less do more." Basically, taking more risks in life and I concur. You're not really living if you're not doing things that scare you. I, myself, can't imagine myself being so careful all the time. I WANT TO LIVE!! Pretend there are no consequences and not give a damn what they are(by the way, I'm not too keen on going to jail unless it's for a very good cause). Start that business! Ask that guy/girl out! Say that shit if it needs to be said! Don't bite your tongue on shit! I swear that's a recipe for good living.
I am glad I took this risk in my life. A year and some change have been accomplished as for living in the "Lost" city and I am doing okay. It's possible people. Literally, believing in yourself and having good, encouraging family members and friends will keep you a long way. Keep your focus tight and whenever you feel yourself being led astray, it's okay. Get back on track, you still have time and it's not the end of the world; even though it may feel like that sometimes. Have fun wherever you are. Show gratitude for what you have. The UNIVERSE will see this and grant you whatever you desire. Keep chugging along like me is all I have left to say. Before I end this, make sure you guys check out my WordPress account for my favorite movie reviews. I am completely honest with them and it's a chance that I may make you laugh because I am so damn honest. Until next time…
Stay Positive. Stay Focused. Vibrate Higher. Peace