OMW 2 L.A.
It begins with you
So, for those who don't know, I didn't make it to California. I had to turn back with good reason. Even though the adventure would have been an epic one, I still couldn't shake the feeling that maybe I did leave at the wrong time. That's always how shit is right? At the wrong time. Major things were happening in my life at the moment and the impulse in my body to jump up and leave was undeniable. Most importantly, the best thing that I can say is that I do not regret my decision.
Well, to be honest, at first, I did. I blamed the one that I spoke with on the phone for giving me the mindfulness of turning around. You see at the time, I didn't want to talk to NOBODY! ABSOLUTELY NO ONE because I knew if I did, I'll let them change my mind about the whole thing (specifically my parents). I kept this up for about a day and a half and after that, I called one of my siblings. I wanted to check to see if everything was okay because I left her with an important matter regarding our mother. Turns out everything was cool, BUT! You know everyone has their opinions. With my sister being who she is, her opinion was front and center about how wrong I was.
I found myself pondering what has transpired in the last few hours at a rest stop in Chicago. I'm not sure if traveled the entire state of Illinois, but all I know is that when I looked up at the bright, lime green sign above the highway, it said "Iowa" blank, blank miles. I couldn't fucking believe it! I drove damn near to Iowa. However, now that I am thinking about it, there is no way that Iowa is only five-six hours away from Cleveland. All that time that seemed like forever, was only 348 miles from home. That's it. My mind and my body told me a different story; one I am not yet comfortable to write. I spoke to my younger sister. She said some things that made me want to turn back and drive home. Then, with great hesitation and guilt, I spoke to my mother. It was her words that made me turn the car around in the other direction so easily. They both suggested that I was doing this whole thing improperly. Leaving wasn't the problem, however, according to them, I needed to clean my apartment out, have the car checked out, say goodbye to family and all that shit. They may have had a point, I guess. I started off so confident and sure of myself to overthinking every possibility of what could go wrong. I thought that maybe the car I was driving was going to give out on me, I thought I was going to get pulled over, because of issues with the car itself (owing money) and my own registration and license. My mind replayed every fucked up scenario and I got spooked. I could feel myself becoming light-weight paranoid and I couldn't wait to get home.
The miles flew by as I no longer cared how hard I pushed her raggedy vehicle to its limits. Many thoughts were swimming through my mind as I drove, but one scenario haunted me until I laid my head to sleep on my pillow that night. What if I made it? What if everything was "easy" and I made it to L.A. in one piece? There were friends and family willing to help me along the way to complete my journey the first time, it would have turned out o.k., right? I would never forget my screams on the drive home of agony for not following my intuition. I hate myself for listening to other people's opinions about me or what I have done. The tears came rushing down my face and the sudden hole in my chest caused me to lose breath. Eventually, I had to pull over to pull myself together because it hurt so bad. I didn't have a care in the world who seen me or if someone cared to stop. So, I began screaming; full of disappointment, miserable, defeated yet saved.
It wasn't until later that I realized I was going about this all wrong. Now that I am in my final days of Cleveland, I am receiving so much love and inspiration for pursuing my dreams. Especially at work. Many of the co-workers that I have known for years seem to be genuinely excited to see me go. I will miss a lot of people. Others can kiss my ass and they know who they are. I had a long over-due healing conversation with the manager that first hired me. She gave me some encouraging words and wished me well. It's crazy because I wanted to come to her first and explain how I felt and how much I appreciated her, despite our differences, but, God had other plans.
Saying goodbye to my friends is not fun. I had some great times with them and I would never forget it. What they don't know is that I'll be thinking of each and every one of them while I am away. I know it's not going to be the same in Los Angeles, but I hope making friends will be easy as making friends here at home. Life can be scary, but it can also be grand. I am learning that thoughts shape your reality. This may make sense to some people. It makes hella sense to me at this stage in my spiritual journey. I've experienced this way of knowing before and it was like magic. I hope my readers are doing well in their lives right now and has found something in life to smile about. I found it imperative that I come back with a part two to this series because I've gotten calls about me leaving and I'm not saying a word. As you can see this is only half the story, the rest is yet to be written. Until next time.
Stay positive. Stay Focused. Vibrate Higher
P.S. It's hard to believe I've been working at my job since I was 19 years old. I am 24 now. Also, just to be clear, I do not blame my sister or my mother about turning back, at least not anymore.