How'd You Rush A Butterfly?
"Patience is a Virtue"
All my life I loved being alone. Growing up that is where I felt the most comfortable. I learned that my imagination and my emotions are as deep as the Ocean. I loved living in my head because I felt safe and secure in my own world. No one could touch me there. I must say, that I’ve carried these same qualities well into my adult hood. Even as introverted as I am, I still managed to have friends. I knew that moving out here to Los Angeles meant a complete do over of everything. With me being a dreamer, I have imagined hard times before coming out here, but, I imagined nothing compared to this. I believe in these moments of loneliness, I am reminded yet again that my fantasies, going about life carefree and orchestrated, isn’t the reality that’s in front of me.
It’s going on nine months that I am surviving L.A. My friends that I’ve made moved back home under dire circumstances and I had no choice but to improvise. Work kept my mind busy until it didn’t anymore. Working at a college has it’s downfalls. Not having a job is another pain in itself, however, my spirit seems to be more optimistic about the matter than I anticipated. My soul refuses to be in totality with my thoughts and I am relieved that it is so.
Every day, I find my mind racing with possibilities of how I can occupy my time. Sadly, just about every day has been the same: contemplating about sitting in a dark, cold theater catching up on the latest films, the need to go shopping, AGAIN (literally, buying clothes that I cannot pair to what I already have at home), and I want to buy a new laptop… no, a camera… NO! A new lace front, human hair wig! While I’m going back and forth on what to decide, the morning has already passed and the afternoons’ sun is high in the sky. At the end of it all, I have chosen nothing and already wasted half my day. I am beyond pissed. Not doing SOMETHING makes me feel like I am a total failure. These days, I just want to stay out of the house.
Don’t get me wrong, I have made connections with people during my travels. I waste no time into hitting up the ones that I’ve had the best conversations with. Now, this is no bullshit, when I hit people up to chill or whatever, they are all either busy or in school or live hours away! In my head, I’d start to think that finding friends shouldn’t be this fucking hard. But, it is! I have never had this problem before. Back home, I would always make friends because for some reason, people would happen to gravitate to me. To be completely honest, I can’t recall one friend where I had to approach or get their attention. I don’t know, maybe my aura was so warm and inviting, everyone felt the need to come up and talk to me. So it’s a bit strange because I kept that same fucking attitude out here! A part of me doesn’t know what is happening, but there’s this part of me that knows exactly why I am going through this rough time.
I am being FORCED to shed my old ways and live in isolation. I feel that isolation is a bit extreme at this point, being that I’ve felt isolated my entire life. I understand that being alone brings me closely to myself and that it is detrimental to the process, however, I always had the best of both worlds. Now, my friends and family are far away and the only way I can reach them is by face timing or text. I am miserably and utterly alone for the first time in my life. This is the most excruciating pain I have ever felt by my own hand.
The thought of going back home crosses my mind from time to time, but, I couldn’t possibly. I feel that if I were to return back to Cleveland, in my mind, it’ll mean that I have lost and/or given up on myself. My spirit is telling me to stick it out and that this too shall pass. Come to think of it, I’ve been through worse times. I’m saying, I’ve dealt with homelessness by living in a car, jumping from parking lot to parking lot trying to find safer places to sleep. The no friends’ era should be a piece of cake, right? Certain matters hit differently according to your complex state of consciousness. I wasn’t worried about friends when I was homeless. My state of mind was focused on stretching my legs In a tiny ass car. I am at a different place now; there’s less of an embarrassment to go out and have fun without my car being packed to the brim with suitcases and bins.
The best thing I can do right now, is to strive to stay positive. My closest friend told me if you KNOW that all this is a part of the process, then what’s the point of stressing about it? And I told him, because even though I KNOW that it’s all a part of the journey, it doesn’t stop me from actually FEELING and LIVING in the moments. That’s when he said, “You make your mind stronger by accepting it and dealing with it and not complaining,” or something to that affect.
I don’t think a caterpillar wails over the journey of being a caterpillar. It KNOWS that their situation is temporary and that one day they’ll be able to become a butterfly. They are not sweating other caterpillars or hating on those that are butterflies. They are focused on their own individual growth because they KNOW the end goal is to become something ever so stunning and effortless without trying. Patience is one of the keys to life that I have lost as I got older. The support I have gotten from family and friends (back home) has made me come to the realization that I need to calm down and smell the roses. Nothing happens overnight. Embody patience while flowing with life. That is the goal, for now.
Stay Positive. Stay Focused. Vibrate Higher. Peace