Afraid For Nothing

Am I a bad person for not blogging about my life in two days? I had every intention too, but didn’t. What can I say, I’m on vacation! Yep, I’ve been back home (Cleveland) for a total of seven days now. It has been lovely. Coming up for mother’s day was one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. My mother and sister were indescribably happy. My father was glad to see me and so was my brother, cousins and aunties. I hung out with a few of my friends and still making my rounds. I feel as if I’m a visitor for sure, but in a good way.

I pushed the date back for when I was suppose to leave for another two days. Thankfully, I don’t return to work until Monday night, and then it’s grind time from there. I changed my work schedule so I wouldn’t have to deal with much of my co-workers. Believe me, it was well needed for my mental health and if I wanted to continue my job. This will be new for me, doing night shifts on the regular. But hey, it’s more days and a guaranteed eight hours a day. So, I got to do what I must in order to knock whatever goals I have off my list.

“The marathon continues” — Nipsey Hussle

Being at home has been cool. That’s actually the best way I could describe it. I was hoping to feel some kind of spectacular emotions while being here, but, I’ve felt nothing too out of the ordinary. The “tower” moment that I have been anticipating has yet to make its appearance which kind of makes me question if there were really a tower moment at all. I’ve experienced my first anxiety attack from just thinking about it the day before my flight. I don’t recall what I did to calm myself down. I believed I just kept breathing and thinking that this will pass. I thought I was having a heart attack. I called my brother and told him what I was feeling, wrong but good idea. He’s not the perfect person to discuss feelings with. Nevertheless, he explained to m that I was upsetting myself over a situation that may never happen. “Now does that make sense?!” he said. To be honest, I felt foolish about the whole thing. I was literally making myself sick thinking about what “could” happen. This logic also help calm my anxiety.

The plane ride was long but spacious. The first flight was damn near full, but the airline made sure to buy out every middle seat so no one would be too close. pretty cool I think. Finally making got to my mother’s home, I started figuring out who to see while I was in town. The people that I was meant to see, I seen them. That goes for family and friends. My time was cool, calm and collected, again, very surprising to me. As I said before, I was expecting some kind of turn of events or clarity, but that didn’t quite happen. The clarity I was searching for needed to be from my closest family and friends that I’ve been longing to y’all too about certain things.

I spoke with my mother about certain matters from my childhood that bothered me the most, and to my luck, she was honest about not knowing how to cater to me during my depression stages. I told her I felt alone most of the time and much like before, I don’t think she knew how to process that kind of information. She day in her chair silent and just looked at me. My sister and I didn’t have the conversation that I wanted, nevertheless, we touched softly on certain matters that I have been burning to ask her. I guess, it wasn’t the right time to go deeper into what I needed to discuss, who knows.

Spending time with my friends was like I never left. First of all, my energy was more settle in seeing them than the first time. When I went back home in July of 2019, I was entirely focused on the wrong ideas; how I looked, how people viewed me, and worst, what they thought of me. This time around I didn’t give a fuck. One of the most important decisions I ever made. I had a totally different experience! They were more chill and peaceful because that’s the energy I came brung. They had no choice but to match my warm and inviting energy. Everything and everyone was good. No clarity needed.

The pandemic in Cleveland, Ohio is real as hell. It seems like my people is really following the rules. No one is coming out the house unless they have too and the streets are clear by ten at night. If I am not mistaken, society has opened back up back home. When I tell you I was so happy to get to the hair store and buy hair products and a new wig! Like a kid in a candy store. Other than that, everything still seemed the same. With me being an introvert, nothing is different, just the conversation between other’s opinions about this whole thing. I am not complaining because I have no room too. I am working and doing the same things that I am doing before this whole pandemic shit started... being in the house, alone with my thoughts, going “out” maybe twice a month. That’ll do it for me.

Meanwhile, I am back home and happy to be back. For some reason, it felt good knowing I didn’t have to stay and that I had somewhere to go back too. I am back on schedule with my writing and the life of hard work and grind has returned again. It waa fun while it lasted. One piece of advice before I end this, it’s okay to take a break, breathe, relax and do nothing. But not for too long of course. Until next time...

Stay Focused. Stay Positive. Vibrate Higher. Peace