I’m becoming exhausted with it all. Seriously getting tired of the everyday routines. I want to scream, but there’s no place for me to let it out. So, I keep it bottled in, screaming internally which only makes it worse. I have no outlet. I’ve become numb to asking people for their life advice when they barely know how to navigate this shit as well. Yeah, venting stopped helping me a long time ago. Being alone is comforting like it always has. But it’s getting too consuming, you know? Like, it’s not all good. I hang out with my twelve-year-old cousin more than anyone now. Maybe because she reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. I wish I had a cousin like me when I was her age. But I didn’t. Her joy and curiosity brings me joy and that is going to have to suffice for now.
Planning a business has its corks. I’m still in the beginning stages of correcting my business plan so that’s pretty cool. The girl I paid to correct it for me didn’t, so I did it myself. Fine. Then, I sent it to a family member because they deal with this shit daily and still, no business plan. All while, I feel like I’m losing my last bit of friends; one due to weird shit and the other due to her trying to find herself in the midst of her own chaos. Part of it being I don’t like going out as much. Being in the presence of too many people doing a whole lotta shit annoys the fuck out of me, especially when I’m sober. So, I stay in my own space majority of the time. I feel as if I’m doing something wrong here! What is the Universe trying to teach me? I am trying to make all these feelings make sense and it's sending me down a deep, dark yet numb hole. I just do not care anymore, yet I care too much (hence the blog). I am SO SICK of THINKING ALL THE TIME!! NOT FEELING RELATABLE AND HAVING TO SILENCE MY SOUL FROM JUDGEMENTAL EYES! It’s enough to make a person want to end it all. My mom tries to understand me. Now that I am older, I can communicate better about how I feel about certain situations. She says she gets it, but knowing her, she likes to tell white lies to make the other person feel better and then go back to what she was talking about. It’s whatever though, I don’t expect her to understand. She came from a different time and emotionally, she’s built differently.
Then, writing is starting to feel not so fun anymore. Planning a business is no longer fun anymore. I have no meaning for life anymore. I am mentally tired and emotionally drained. I yearn for growth and new possibilities but they seem so far out of my reach. I wish to be me, and for those around me being okay with me JUST being me. I want relationships that are platonic to stay platonic, and if you feel some kind of way to say that shit so we can either nip it in the bud or see what happens. I want potential romantic relationships to not only be about sex; get to know me first, please! I cannot enjoy sex without some sort of feeling and/or connection behind it. My pussy doesn’t work that way; when I try to force her outside of her element, trust me, neither of us will have a good time.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel as if everything is pointless. The little things are beginning to get on my nerves and I can feel myself lashing out towards those around me. I don’t want to talk nor do I don’t feel like explaining. I want to leave. I want my bank account to have endless amounts of funds so I can go and not think about a fucking thing! I can’t be the only one feeling like this. I know I’m not.