M I D N I G H T S I N A T A
I cannot be more honest than this, I feel like I am losing my mind. My thoughts are unsteady and my emotions consists of highs and lows. I’ve been dealing with this for some time now, and my feelings has gotten more intense over the last few weeks. I wish there was a physical way of turning off your brain. I don’t want to FEEL anything right now, especially at this magnitude. There has been one other time in my life where I felt like all was lost, and that was in the beginning parts of my journey when I felt the most alone. It was a feeling I wouldn’t put on my worst enemy. I am in total misery and sometimes I cannot figure out why. But then again, I am reminded that I am not a child of patience. Not having my desires met, having plans fall through, not feeling good enough for anyone, is the normality of life, however, have you ever had those feelings intensified by ten? I have accomplished nothing while being out here in “Lost” Angeles. The only thing I have to show for it, is multiple blogs about me complaining all while dying to keep a more positive aspect on life while living out here. I feel I have came to a brick wall. I don’t know what else to do.
Opening my shutters and translucent curtains to welcome in the bright afternoon sun was a thought to cheer me up. It didn’t. I still feel nothing. I must say, it felt better when the shutters were closed and my room remained dark. The only light that reigned supreme was coming from my beautiful, vintage, stain glassed clock that lights up a small space in my room. I place it over my head so when I stare up at the ceiling it could be in my clear eye view. The craftsmanship brings me a little peace. Even though I’ve been talking to my friends and family normally, I’m still carrying this weight in my chest. I couldn’t even explain it to them if I wanted too. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but their only solution is to come home. My fears about coming home is that I feel that it would only be a band aid to what I am actually feeling. I feel that once I am home, it would be great at first, but then I’ll start to feel that unsatisfying dread of emotions all over again. It will only be a matter of time to have the itch to leave again, and although I’ll have their love around me, there will still be something missing; a yearning that my situation could be better or the regret that I didn’t give L.A. more of my time to possibly prosper, according to my perspective. I know this to be true because I am aware of certain parts about myself.
So many unwanted thoughts, fears and desires left without clarity. I feel as if… I am losing, yet in search of finding my mind.
Stay Positive ( I AM trying). Stay Focused (Even though I am lost). Vibrate Higher (Even though I am low, it’s all a process).